The Pleasure of an Unfettered Mind
Maddie was looking out the window at the blinding white snow, its brightness intensified by the morning sun, when she thought—
Why did I keep laughing and laughing, like a kid playing in the snow, all by myself, struggling to get up from that icy-covered snow bank, next to that busy roadway, fast passing traffic, and drivers who must have seen me, probably hoping I wouldn't fall into the street, they'd have to come to a screeching stop . . . should I get another cup of coffee?, humf, even if my stomach won't like it, its been really finicky lately ever since I ate all those sweets over the holidays—peppermint bark, chocolate almond filled croissants, Mmmm, love that stuff, hot pecan pie with vanilla ice cream, and that banana puddin' with a two-inch high meringue, it was so good, and those Nordstrom royal chocolate chip cookies, filled with shredded coconut and macadamia nuts, hot sweet chai for a chaser—good grief girl . . . I know, I know, sometimes I’m disgusting! how is it I can remember eating a bag of potato chips when half the time I can't even remember why I walked into a room, no wonder I sometimes feel nauseated with just the thought of, well, I'm on my way off this planet, so why shouldn't I eat what I love as much as I want and whenever I can . . . as the man said, in life, after the important things, the rest is just gravy, but what are the important things? dear God, could you please give me at least ten more years? enough time to have another dog, there I go again, I can barely take care of myself, how many pills am I taking now? can’t seem to keep count . . . awww, they look so sweet against the white snow, coming out of the woods, Bambi, and her family, except they don’t look so sweet when their dinning on my hostas in my garden, they treat my whole garden like a smorgasbord . . . that sky, it’s so beautifully blue, those long, thin wispy white clouds . . . turn your eyes away, the brightness of the sun on that white snow hurts.
Guess I should get up and do something. Why? I don't really have to do anything, I'm retired, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want . . . wonder how that answers the question, that song, how did it go? Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing. We'll bring out the booze and have a ball, if that’s all there is, funny, at the time, I used to think, what was her name? Peggy Lee? yeah, I used to think she was singing to me—miss party girl, every weekend, sometimes weekdays, a party, a cocktail lounge, a jazz session after work, and now, just another old person shuffling off to bed at nine, pass out for an hour or two, wake up, can't sleep, then stay up most of the night scrolling through videos of baby elephants and pandas and puppies, they make me smile . . . I think I'm losing more than a misstep when I stumble, walking, sometimes I think my brain missteps too, well, what else would you have me be? a bitter old lady, angry at life ‘cause it wasn't always kind to me, worrying about not enough money, my disappearing body, boobs hanging, bra or no bra, afraid when this‘ill all be over . . . that crow's back, again, perching itself on . . . here they come, and so many of ‘em, what a huge flock of geese, noisy as usual, on your way to the pond? your morning breakfast table? but it's covered with snow, wonder where they’re goin’? . . . well, I have things to do too, places to go, forget the laundry, think I’ll do something fun today.
(Word count 638)
Listen to the audio: